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and the grief is endless, I still think of you and miss you everyday – I still weep and wail and wonder out loud to God. I love you and I miss you my friend.
Why is there such violence in the bible, and in God’s name?
I understand this, because even as I write these words, about peace, harmony and love, about a god that desire openness, forgiveness and brotherhood; I feel the frustration and desire to provide you with consequences that are severe and tangible; to tell you that you ought to be food, given the way humanity behaves toward each other sometimes, it would seem in my mind that you would serve a much higher purpose as food.
But these are my thoughts and not god’s and the truth is that they are merely my desire to control and to run the show, to ensure as (in my ego) only I can that you will do as god wants.
Of course, the other truth is that there are consequences and though they sound light and simple, there is not much that could be more severe. It is unfortunate for us westerners that Buddha and Lao Tzu did a much better job in uncovering and articulating those consequences; in short you can either walk as god wills and upon the path of peace and joy or be violent and miserable.
you cannot write because you are not present
you are not paying attention anymore
to the world around you
these chopsticks are bowed and frayed at both ends, with long splinters spanning their length
you ate an entire meal with them and did not notice
I would stand in the pure light, bare and arms outstretched
touched by and touching many, flesh and flesh and joyous flesh
but longing, aching, drawing always back, flesh, heart and soul to you
your illuminating touch, and sweet breathe of love is the wind
upon which I will thread the eye of the needle and be carried off
into the light pure light of heaven, to wander eternal with you
hand in hand without fear, worry or pain; dancing, laughing with my angel
having been turned upon the lathe of heaven, but perfected by you
My one thought, brightest light, beautiful sky; home of my soul.
Faith – the Word and the women will save me and drag me out of my darkness
Mother, whisper on the wind that blows between my ears
Blinded by my darkness, stumbling frantic, here I am again
knowing you must be near, but losing faith and less sure
with each moment that I cannot feel you, lashing out
I am not myself the moment I feel that you have left me
Mother, touch your hand to my chest, rest your head there
let me feel your warmth washing away the pain and fear
Whisper sweetly to me until I find the light, hope and peace
Free me to be happy and useful again and in that light
guide me to be all that you would have of me, I am ill
and slow of mind and your signs must be loud and bright
lest I am lost and imprisoned by my own darkness again
I am a fool and a mongrel
but a prophet, husband, lover and father
all the same
Mother, where are you? Touch me, whisper wisdom and courage
fill up my empty mind with truth and joy and hope, enough to share
Step Three: Made a Decision to Turn our Will and Our Lives Over to the Care of God As We Understood Him
This time, much like the first time that I worked my way through the steps, at Step Three, I feel as though I am standing with my toes dangling over the edge of a vast cliff and attempting to will myself to leap. Before me, a self and a way of living that is uncertain and unknown, behind me is my past self, all that I have believed and known and been and all that I must let leave behind. What is before me is less uncertain today and what is behind me that must stay behind is much less that it was the first time. And Yet, where I am going MUST be where I have not dared or been capable of before and what I will leave behind is clearly what I have clung to and been unwilling or unable to release before.
Highly metaphorical, I know, so what exactly would I be leaving behind? and What awaits when I leap off that cliff? To the first point, I am not sure that I know right now. I only know that holding on to it has been allowing me to slip back into spiritual and emotional sickness. The central task in this step is to ask yourself how far are you willing to go? Am I ready to really and truly hand my life and my will over to the care of God? Get ready because here comes the insanity, not having done so is allowing me to fall back into sickness, threatens to get me drunk again and is potentially causing me to make other people miserable and my response to the central questions of this step today, at this moment is: I don’t know. Not the response that I want to have, and I see in it the absolute insanity of my sickness, but there it is in full glory.
What if this time upon examination I realize that I have to change my views on sex, or am called upon to truly take up my calling and dedicate myself to being a prophet? What if, I have to let go of writing all together? Or feel compelled by God to become a real minister? What if my entire world view must change? Am I ready to join a religion or a church? Because I don’t actually have a defined understanding of God and maybe that is the problem! What at the end of the day am I willing to change, relinquish or bring into my life in order to achieve the promises entirely, have serenity and know that I am serving God and my fellow man at my best potential.
I suspect that moving past this and starting my next 4th through 9th step will illuminate the answers, but there is the rub eh? To get to those steps, I have to take a leap of faith, I have to drum up within myself the worst case scenario, assume that I must go that far and then say “yes, I am willing” – In short, I have to be Abraham with his son on the rock and blade in hand, ready to go to any lengths. I don’t know, I doubt, I am not sure. I am afraid.
It isn’t all fear and negativity. I dream sometimes of a me for whom God has expunged fear, doubt, rage and frustration; A me without violence, who knows and understands the path of serenity, love and compassion well enough to teach it and who reaches first for spiritual solutions to all of his problems. I dream of a self that is patient and kind and loving; who pursues his dreams and goals, that is useful to himself, his family and his community. I dream of using my gifts in some way that it benefits the sea of humanity around me. Though each of them frighten me because, I don’t know how to be sure what those paths or how to achieve any of it, or what I might miss over here if I do. It all scares me, but I really do want it and I always have. I wonder (not doubt) what my wife would say if I told her I I want to go to divinity school – not saying that I do necessarily, but who knows right?
Anyway, today was more of a rambling attempt at self discovery than I real blog entry, but this is where I am at. God Bless us all