Reports from the Bunker

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There is more than one way to break a heart

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For most of my life I have had two best (maie) friends, they were the closest people to me, I never let anyone get as close as them. I am now, with Kim and we will discuss that sometime. Four years ago, one of them, call him Roy; he shot and killed himself, seemingly without warning. Perhaps it is understood that it was drug and alcohol related. I came so close to shutting down entirely at his funeral. Then I crawled into the bottle deeper and stayed there for years and the grieving continues and is still intense when it catches up with me.

I am coming up on two years clean and sober, which I think plays into my anguish over my other best friend we will call him Duncan. He had a problem with IV drugs and has been clean, but not sober for the last three years. Since the revelation that his wife was pregnant last year, he has been hitting the bottle hard, even when sober he is moody and unapproachable about serious topics, walling himself off. His beautiful daughter is several months old now and though he loves her, he is a mess.  He gets drunk and belligerent, just this weekend verbally attacking me and Kim and only half joking with threats of physical violence. He gets to rambling and slurring and saying cruel things, then simply angry but not making any sense at all.  His wife, whom I also consider a good friend, has been patient with him and stood by him through some serious misbehavior and she is being taxed to her limit. Duncan has always suffered from a self-loathing put there by his father, now I am sure he is certain that his wife and daughter would be better off without him and he is doing everything he can to self-destruct and push them away and it is breaking my heart to watch it happen. I am no idiot, I know if he succeeds in pushing them away what comes next. He will start using again and either overdose or purposefully end his own life, the very thought hollows me out and then fills me with pain. I have no idea how I could weather another dead friend, much less another suicide. So, I am heartbroken and at the same time angry. I am coming into a wonderful time in my life, one that should and could fill me with joy and peace, one that I have looked for and always anticipated sharing with him and his wife. Although my new life, sober, with Kim and the kids does provide me those things, the worry and heartache of Duncan are never far from my mind and when I try to share my joy he simply spills his misery on it.  We are supposed to be happy now, he has an amazing wife and career that can go places, we have cobbled together a giant family that enjoys one another’s company and looks out for one another. Instead, I stand here happy with my life, which in spite of some challenges has many more blessings than I probably deserve, while he pisses on what he has and tries to throw it away. So there is that heartache that often distracts me from my happiness.

Then there is the little farmer, Kim’s eldest, who is struggling for acceptance not only from his peers, but from adults too. He is a beautiful and unique child and in spite of circumstance and lacking unconditional acceptance from his peers and many adults, I suspect including his father, he still has his mother’s warm and wonderful heart and there is still time to make sure he keeps it. I see a powerful creative energy bouncing around in him and just waiting to be directed and unleashed. We will find the right thing and he will thrive, but for now, his largely unfulfilled quest for acceptance and praise causes him pain, which causes her and I pain, her of course to a much larger degree.  My tribe, my family is almost entirely comprised of people who in their childhood were just like the little farmer boy, different, struggling for acceptance and uncertain of their place in the world. I know I didn’t prepare most of them for him, but I figured they would just see it, like I did. He wanted so badly to have them see him this weekend and embrace him. Duncan, who should know better, seemingly with direct intention, showed him nothing but rejection. To my embarrassment and shame my people, all of whom should be able to empathize with the young man, did not behave as I would have expected and did little or nothing to give him what he was looking for. This also breaks my heart.

The truth be told though, in spite of these pains and other challenges, like finances and my own quest for job security, I am happier than I ever have been and while I don’t know the details of how to pull it all together, I am excited about Kim and I’s future. Funny how the places I rejected and was certain would not bring me joy or fulfillment are exactly where they are ending up coming from, kids, family, home instead of work, peace, quiet. I must find a permanent job, a secure job. I want to ask Kim to marry me, but I want that security first, without it I feel like I am constantly a hair’s breath from being an albatross instead of a partner.  And be it large or small I want to provide the best wedding possible for her and to go somewhere after, whether just her and I or with the boys. I pray constantly for some opportunity to present itself and I search constantly for it on my own. So, if you are listening universe; I am grateful for Kim, for the boys, for all of my blessings, but I could do much more for them and others if the right opportunity came along, so if you can make that happen, that would be great.

Well, I should get focused on work. By for now!


Written by jamesjanus

July 7, 2010 at 3:11 pm

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