Reports from the Bunker

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Return to Recovery – Step One

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Starting over at step one, I have been gone for over year and while I did not drink, my self and my life has become unamageable.
Step one says: Admitted that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
Not only am I powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over alcoholic thinking and alcoholic action. I am powerless over alcoholic pride, alcoholic resentment and anger, aloholic fear and lashing out. I am powerless over a great many things, some of which some more stringent AAs might call outside issues, but I scarcely believe in those, all of it is related in some way to the core disease of alcoholism. I thought I knew this before, but if I didn’t I know it now. It may sound counter-intuitive to some, but that single admission, that you are powerless is relieving and like having a great burden lifted off my shoulders. Admitting that there is something more powerful than you, that you cannot handle alone is hard, but worth it and really the first step toward believing there is something more powerfull than you, that can help you too.
I have just begun, I am not well or right yet, but already I am becoming more conscious of my thinking and action. Admonishing myself in my head when my thoughts are not what they should be and looking outside of myself for help, being as grateful and accepting as I can. I will get there, AA, the steps, a higher power and Kim’s love and support will help me.
Here is in summary, what I said in a meeting recently. I stopped going to meetings, decided I could do it on my own and for a time it seemed to be okay. I realize that during that time there was nothing to test me, there was stress of course, but I had nothing, nothing of value that I could risk or lose. I was living in my friends’ basement and had nothing in my life to cherish. Then, I fell in love with this woman (Kim) and her two kids, for the first time in my life I have a family and so when things got tough again, I had something of value to lose and because I wasn’t working the steps, going to meetings and doing what i needed to, I reacted like a monster, I screwed things up, making bad things worse and I almost lost what I had gained. My life is unmanageable and though I never drank, I might as well have.
I am glad to be back in meetings and working the steps. I know I have just completed step one, step two promises to be more difficult, but I will get there and this time I will not stop working the steps, I will be restored to sanity and do my best to have my defects removed.

Not only am I powerless over alcohol, I am powerless over alcoholic thinking and alcoholic action. I am powerless over alcoholic pride, alcoholic resentment and anger, aloholic fear and lashing out. I am powerless over a great many things, some of which some more stringent AAs might call outside issues, but I scarcely believe in those, all of it is related in some way to the core disease of alcoholism. I thought I knew this before, but if I didn’t I know it now. It may sound counter-intuitive to some, but that single admission, that you are powerless is relieving and like having a great burden lifted off my shoulders. Admitting that there is something more powerful than you, that you cannot handle alone is hard, but worth it and really the first step toward believing there is something more powerfull than you, that can help you too.
I have just begun, I am not well or right yet, but already I am becoming more conscious of my thinking and action. Admonishing myself in my head when my thoughts are not what they should be and looking outside of myself for help, being as grateful and accepting as I can. I will get there, AA, the steps, a higher power and Kim’s love and support will help me.
Here is in summary, what I said in a meeting recently. I stopped going to meetings, decided I could do it on my own and for a time it seemed to be okay. I realize that during that time there was nothing to test me, there was stress of course, but I had nothing, nothing of value that I could risk or lose. I was living in my friends’ basement and had nothing in my life to cherish. Then, I fell in love with this woman (Kim) and her two kids, for the first time in my life I have a family and so when things got tough again, I had something of value to lose and because I wasn’t working the steps, going to meetings and doing what i needed to, I reacted like a monster, I screwed things up, making bad things worse and I almost lost what I had gained. My life is unmanageable and though I never drank, I might as well have.
I am glad to be back in meetings and working the steps. I know I have just completed step one, step two promises to be more difficult, but I will get there and this time I will not stop working the steps, I will be restored to sanity and do my best to have my defects removed.

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Written by jamesjanus

July 13, 2010 at 4:22 pm

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