Reports from the Bunker

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I do not even know where to start, what to say, the last week has been so eventful and exhausting both emotionally and physically. I know that I am tired and perhaps a little down today; I hate my job right now and it makes it hard to get up for and into on time. Kim’s father is in rought shape and came home recently from the hospital to enter in home hospice care. We have been supporting her mother and spending as much time as we can over there, to the neglect of many things at home that need done, which is fine and as it must and should be really. That said, the state of the house and my basic inability to do anything about it on my own is stressing me out, this is a huge flaw of mine and it is starting back at me everyday. I feel it is so unfair to require her direction and efforts in order to get through all but the most rudementary of domestic tasks, but I find myself unable to work out what must be done or how to go about doing it.

Kim’s discovery of some archive of old images from whatever the fuck I have been calling her, led to some discussion and her and I reading through too an old archive of IM’s with V, which if I am being honest made me nervous, but had a very wonderful effect for me. When we were done reading, I lay there and was just washed with this tsunami of feeling and a very present understanding of something. A year ago, I was happy, or thought I was happy and it was a brand new feeling. I think it is safe and accurate to say I was happier than I ever had been, but to my wonderful realization last night, this emotion has very definate degree’s of intensity and depth. So, sure while I was having my affair with whatsherface and fooling around or flirting with other women, I suppose I was happy, but there was too a certain misery to it, a lonliness and a tugging at my self worth and self esteem (being the other man etc..) and I was forced to read it, to remember it last night. As we lay there talking and I thought about 09 (which now seems so far away as to have been a lifetime) vs. this past year this tsunami hit me and it was joy, it was a happiness that came from really understanding not only that I happy, truly happy with Kim, but just how MUCH happier I am than I was a year ago, which in itself was an improvement over any preceeding.

Given the challenges that life has thrown at us recently and my newfound loathing for my job, it was this beautiful moment of reprieve to just lay there with her feeling the happiness and joy she puts in my heart and for no particular reason other than it is there to be felt. Of all of the good and bad of this week, that moment wins.

In other news, Halloween approaching, got the boys their costumes, next up apple picken and pumpkins, I was wonderful to see them try them on; we need more work and stuff for the Farmer, but he is still stoked. The Senator is super excited about being red ninja with twin swords. Who knew, in troubled times people’s joy used to bother me, watching the kids get excited though is yet another wonderful reprieve. Kim and I will dress up too, thinking I might be the grim reaper and her a witch, we will take them tricks or treating then to some friends of ours who are REALLY big fans of the holiday, should be shit tons of fun. I hope Kim and the boys both have a lot of fun that night, lord knows they deserve it.

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Written by jamesjanus

October 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm

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