It cannot be explained
or perhaps, I choose not to bother.
The meetings, the prayer and the conscious effort on the steps is working, I can feel the dark cloud lifting off of me. I am a smart guy, certified smart. It was suggested last night at the meeting that we should understand the how and why of the program. I disagree, when I first came into the program I tried digging apart the psychology of it, how it really works on the mind and spirit. It was just a distraction and it only impeded my ability to embrace and follow the program of AA.
Today, I don’t really care how it works, just that it does. I know enough, I know it has worked for other people, that I NEED it to work for me and that my way of thinking and doing led me to a most horrific place. So, I read the book and do what the first 100 tell me and I do what the people in the program suggest. I pray and I listen for that voice deep inside myself, beyond my ego and pride, beyond the resentment, fear and shame; I listen for it to guide me, to help me, to bring me strength and conviction when I feel that I have none.
I am going to embark on my fourth step, as soon as I can. I want to get a sponsor first and ask some people about it, hoping I will do that at tonight’s meeting.
I am an extremely grateful acoholic, grateful that I have the program and fellowship of AA.