Reports from the Bunker

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Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

When you are weird

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you look for someone whose weirdness matches your own. Kim tries to pretend that in comparison to me she is bland and boring, but she is goofy and sexy and smart and has her own wonderful oddities, like a wild phobia like aversion to certain types of foam material.

We are opposites in many ways, she doesn’t like my music and most the television and books that I love etc..She does not fit what you would expect from most of the persona’s that I have worn through my life, the tough anti-social guy or the academic minded intellectual, or any of it and that is precious, in part because those were just masks. She is human, heartfelt, genuine and she is smart, but not stuck in some academic box. She saw that in reality, somewhere inside of me, I was these things too.  I like that she is different and we are not always in agreement, that she challenges me and helps broaden my horizons and I think I do the same for her, at least I hope so.  What makes her my Mo Anam Cara? My soulmate and best friend?  I don’t really know how to communicate that, there is something there, some connection and something familiar deep inside her that from the start felt like coming home, like finding that thing my heart has been searching for forever.

I am not good at life, at daily living and it will be some time before I am, yet she is patient with me and is there for me and I don’t feel judged or resented. She is hard pressed to admit it, but she is mystical like me too, her ring, which we just finally got after almost two years is entirely symbolic. With two sets of Sapphire’s representing the boys and a diamond representing us. It made her so happy to finally have it and that makes me very pleased.

Kim's Wedding Ring

The ring it took me two years to get her

I don’t know how much of it comes across in this blog, but I can be strange, odd and have some proclivities when it comes to sex and really life in general that could be seen as difficult to accommodate and accept, but it is no problem for my wife, my love and so any time I can do anything to express my joy at being with her and my gratitude for all that she is, all that she does and all that she puts up with I am happy to do it!

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Written by jamesjanus

June 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm

My mother

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has been in the hospital for a week, she went in because she had been feeling weak and on Sunday last week she laid down, she stayed in bed until Thursday and didn’t eat or drink much. She has always been very able and independent, so no one checked on her and didn’t think much of it when she didn’t return calls. It was quickly determined that she had a large tumor in her colon and maybe something in her Liver. She has cancer. Yesterday, it was determined that it has in fact spread to her liver where it is ‘inoperable”  She is 77 years old and some of the opinions so far are bleak. The truth is that the biopsies are not back yet and we have not heard from the Oncologist (Cancer Dr.).  So, we wait.

The emotion of it all seems lodged deep inside of me and apparently, no ready to deal with it yet, I am yet to get it out. I can say a few things from a perspective of gratitude however, I am grateful that, unlike in the past, I am present and capable of being there for my Mom, for my oldest sister, whom along with myself have taken the bulk of the load in dealing with this. I am dealing with it properly at this point, feeling it, but not reacting like an alcoholic and just doing my best to be helpful and be there for my family.  My sister said today “I know I can rely on you (and Kim) and you will be there”.  This is new. That I have taken time off work and have been doting on my mother and making it to the hospital often, all of it new and I am so filled with gratitude to God(s) and AA and my wife, which is another story.

My, wife, my Mo Anam Cara, my sun, my moon and the stars in my sky. Kim has been there for me and my mother and sister every step of the way, staying home, leaving work early and when she is at the hospital, doing what she can to keep us all engaged and look after Mom. Alone, at home, she is supportive and attentive and loving. This is hard for her too, she has just really started getting close to my mother, she sees it hurting me and it also opens relatively fresh wounds about the loss of her own father.

Facing the potential loss of my mother to Cancer is hard, it brings into laser focus the reality of our mortality and I look at myself and around me, wondering “when”, when does it happen to the rest of us. Also, those things I am grateful for are another source of pain. I want lots more time with her, I am just beginning to be a real human being, to be a decent son and I want her to get to see more of that, to be a part of it.

The summary lesson here I suppose is, whenever I start taking people and relationships for granted, I need to remember that our existence here is fragile and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because you might run the clock out long before you think.

Written by jamesjanus

June 21, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I have missed you everyday for six years Roy

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and the nambi comes for us

not never for you anymore

having bitten for the final time

and you never to awaken

sleep beyond it and us

no more jones or dose

no hangover or headache

nor heartache or heartbreak

no more honesty and healing

you shot a whole right through

them all, with a bullet that

travels on and with ricochet

and wounds for all of us

left standing in the muck

no more laughter and love

no more confession or sex

nor arguement or cry for help

no more vision or cosmic feeling

we are without you now and now

more than ever the world seems

unkind and the streets uneven

as we don yet another black veil

to say ‘you cannot understand’

no more ancient wisdom and worry

no more world saving or beauty

nor power of love or forgiving

no more dreams or planning

you shot your whole through

these too, you see, it was not

all for you, but it was all with

you and in your absense it has already

begun the process of withering

no more cosmic muffin and doom

no more nut blessing or prayer

nor roy the goat, or the man

no more cosmic predisposition

what to say but that you failed

and in saying that; it follows

we failed too. Love and beauty

let us down or we did them, but

our journey ending with your gun

Written by jamesjanus

June 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Love and Lose, Except with You

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and we love and we lose from time to time

some ends have felt as though dyed in the

jaundiced yellow waters of guilt and shame

some, like a wide open sky,  blue as sapphire

warm like summer light and tasted of freedom

still others, washed in the silver white pale

moonlight, holy, quiet and necessary

I pray to godesses daily that I never know

losing your love. for it seems to me that

it would make the whole of life taste bitter

acrid and be washed in the dark and terrible

taste and color of cold winter and decay

 

Written by jamesjanus

May 31, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Posted in Kim, Love, Writing

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A Letter, Prayer, Whatever

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Six years this year, your birthday just past on Sunday and the anniversary of your tragic departure is coming up in two weeks. The last few years, I kept arriving upon these moments when I thought I had made peace, “gotten over it”, you know? And there are days and times when I think of you and the pain is not so terrible, which I guess is why I can find myself under that impression. But always, always my friend, at some odd moment it will hit me, I miss you and I wish you were here. That bullet is still bouncing around in so many of us, and for most it is tearing stuff up still.

I wish you could  see me being a father, a real husband and I wish you could meet Kim and the boys. I have found the loves of my life and I can say it without cynicism or reservation, her and the boys are this magical light that has entered and changed me forever.  I wish you could see me sober and maybe have taken that journey with me. Mostly, I find myself today, having these moments when I just wish you were there to talk to, whether in person or on the other side of the phone. I spend some long quiet moments, often, remembering the sound of your voice and that deranged cackle of yours. I have moments where in my heart it is still unfathomable and impossible to process, refuses to register that you are gone and you will not be coming back.  There are cruel moments too, usually in the middle of some great joy or very early in the morning when I actually forget and I think about seeing you, telling you some story and I have to remind myself that you are gone.

I hear some people give your mom a hard time and M too, wondering why they aren’t over it by now. Six years, isn’t that long enough? Long enough to get over the loss of a son, or the father of your child? Anyone you loved?  Six years is a very long time and  I suppose I understand the outsider’s perspective and I realize that everyone grieves differently. I am trying not to judge those for whom the pain is gone.  The simple truth is that for some of us, there will be no getting over it, not in Six years, and not in Sixty. I looked down to see Jovu sitting in your sisters dining room and I thought I had taken a heart punch, that dumb little sculpture brought back such a flood memory. You, insane, painting the walls  of that doomed apartment and the furniture, determined that you would be an artist! I had dread locks and fleas, the cat used my bed for a litter box and we could have filled the pool with all the tequila we drank.  You’ll never paint again, or do yoga or cut someone’s lawn with scissors.

I am supposed to be writing from a perspective of gratitude and that is hard with this topic, especially to be honest about it. I am grateful though, grateful that I knew and loved you when you were here. I am grateful even, not for you demise, but for how it spun me far enough out of control that I had to find my way to my own grave or sobriety. I am not sure I would sober today if it weren’t for your going and shooting yourself, that said, your life is the one and only thing I would trade my sobriety for.

I am grateful that M is taking really good care of herself and your baby girl, I hope that you are watching over them and can see that amazing duo. I am very grateful that M has forgiven me for being a stupid ass after you died and for doubting her. We talk often and I would do anything she asked to help her and your daughter.

I am grateful that I have faith today, that I can believe you are out there somewhere in some form or another. That I believe these letters I write you mean something and that you somehow get them.

I miss you my friend, my brother.

 

Written by jamesjanus

May 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Today, I am grateful for

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so much, it is hard to know where to start. Kim and the boys. Kim and I have had this amazing time trying to reconnect and rekindle after the stress of what has been a continuous 17 months of cascading tragedy and disaster. We have been playing and laughing, and talking and adventuring and making love, and fucking!  As I continue working the Steps, trying to do so with more effort and more earnestness each week, I am feeling my “muchness” returning and today might be the first day that I have felt fully plugged in for entire day, so far.

Last night we had this fun, but also grueling night of shopping with the boys, then came home to stay up late and work on an extra credit, craft project for the youngest boy. Honestly, they worked on it while I cheered and lay on the couch because I am more than useless with that kind of stuff.  But there was something so perfect and so wonderful about watching the two of them, Mother and Son, huddled over the table late in the evening, with styrofoam balls, modeling clay, paper mache and some crude directions and a sketch that the boy had drawn up. They were working together just to do it really, since it was just extra credit.

Then there is the fact that they were working with Clay and Paper Mache’ making this  “Story Teller” doll with some children in his arms. Kim made the children by hand with Clay. She says she had never made it before, but they were incredibly detailed and amazing for a first effort and it just reminded me how she has always amazed me with her quiet hidden abilities that she will just whip out to accomplish some task that is placed before her.

I have to always remember; she is my best friend, she is amazing, she is my Mo Anam Cara and as long as I have her and the boys, everything is fine and everything will continue to be fine.

I am grateful that I feel like myself and I am happy today.

Written by jamesjanus

May 22, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Teeth Mother Mantra 2 – 1st Draft

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Mother, I have left the desert
and there is no more suffering
I return to you, new and ready
hoping to serve and make good

A new journey, I look inward
Praying will you lay with me
press me with your sweet flesh
coat me with your salted sweat

envelope and hold me until
i lay languid in spent surrender
just whisper and sing to me
the words and music of the divine

rekindle the flame within
doused in the bootleggers water
through memory, I can see and hear
your voice calling out to me

Mother, I’m saved from suffering
that old desert is far behind me
in this prayer, I am kneeling
Surrendered, please take me

Written by jamesjanus

May 16, 2012 at 5:57 pm