Posts Tagged ‘Boys’
For my life, the boys and the lovely, wonderful wife that I have. I am blessed and grateful. Nothing more to say for now.
My days now…
Before any of my other friends, I knew what my path was; I knew what I wanted to do with my life, at least in a general framework. I had not yet started high-school when I realized I wanted to be a writer and poet. Ill-equipped for learning within the confines of any institution, I assumed I would not make it through college, so starting in middle school and continuing beyond high school I set about a rigorous study and practice of literature, language, philosophy and communication. In all humility, I would come in time to discover that my cirriculum was much more intense than any school would have been. I took the hard road one could say. By the time I was 20, I had written (and thrown away) two novels, had poetry published and was giving readings all over Detroit and in little bohemian galleries and cafes as far away as the Irish Hills. I read constantly and wrote for hours a day, I always had a notebook with me and even if I was occupied all day and found myself at a party, I would dissappear for at least 30 minutes to write for a while.
There are certain truths and realities to this kind of life, the life of a dedicated poet and freelance writer and chief among them are that accomplishment and reward come slowly, if they come at all. In my early twenties, some 13 years ago, I found growing in me a lack of patience, a material desire and a yearning for more immediate accomplishment than my choice could provide. Thus, I found my way to my career as a business and technical writer. At first, given the instant rewards and more swiftly and easily won accomplishments, I was elated and felt victorious. I told myself, whatever they are intended for and produce, all words are words and all writing was writing.
Yet, there was a sacrifice it seems. For ten years now, I have struggled to read, to write and to enjoy writing, anything not related to my occupation and it has made the job itself sour to me. I lost the discipline and the joy of it somewhere. What I do write is now so clinical and lacking in soul, emotional honesty and full expression that it reads like a grocery list or a technical manual. It is in fact seldom that I can contact that energy that enables me to write in a very personal way and most of what I write is about topics, subjects, events (in a deeply clinical fashion).
When I write anything now, I am obsessed and anxious about it being useful, being a usable, purposeful excercise and with it being praise-worthy. Kim and I had a discussion last night about how I should write daily if I want to get back into the discipline. Sounds simple and honestly this is not the first time it was suggested, not the first time I will have attempted it, but she said several things that make it different and multiple realizations last night during our discussion and today in my head make it different.
– What to WriteWhen I practiced writing daily and when the love and joy were there, what I wrote hardly mattered – sometimes I would just write stream of consciousness lists of word, write a word, then the next word after it that entered my head and on and on. Sometimes, lists of favorite words, words I loved because of how they sounded. I wrote essays, journals, none-sense, fragments of poems and dreams and just anything without concern for quality, or purpose. I did it to write, I did it to feel the pen in my hand and the paper under it; also to type, just to feel my fingers hit the keys, often closing my eyes and just languishing in the feeling of my fingers on the keys, the music of the typewriter hammers or the more quiet clacking of keyboard keys on the computer. To feel connected to the ancient practice of wordsmithing and to the spirit and ghosts of those who have done it before me and the divine spirit of inspiration that has driven us. Usually, there was no drive to accomplish anything, so when I did decide to accomplish something it came easy.
– Make it personal, honest (when it must be a cohesive thing)Comparatively, one could examine my life today against my life 15 years ago and find that it has grown dull. I am sober, in no great danger from myself, my lifestyle choices or anyone else. My time is not spent amongst the self important or the intellectually elite anymore and such is my perspective that I don’t really want to be. More and more of my friends are clean, sober or both and are, for the most part pretty mellow with lives as simple as mine.
This would not really be my perspective though. I would instead point out that I have more going on now and more of it enables me to relate to other people and allow them to contact the things that I write about. I am sober for the first time since I was a pre-teen, my whole life and person has and continue to change dramatically. I feel human for the first time ever, happy and hopeful are also new. I have two kids in my life whose anecdotes, antics and victories and struggles I can write about. I can write about my struggles having gone from childless to having two kids in grade school and trying to figure out how to be not just a parent, but more delicately, a step-parent. I have their mother, Kim, the love of my life and our relationship which while exuberant and loving is challenged by the ghosts of our relationships past and my own alcoholic personality challenges that rear their head sometimes. Learning to balance work, home, health and AA is another big thing for me to address.
In a way, not much has changed, the more exciting part of my writing has always been the inward struggles and thoughts of my life. For sure, many of those struggles and thoughts are different now.
– Try doing it at the end of the dayTypically, like today, I write my blog entries at work with fragmented effort through the day as I am able to sneek them. it would be better to have the day behind me and write about or whatever I am going to write and do it all at once.
– That I need particular conditions, things etc to really be able to do itExcuses, nothing more. I don’t need anything except the conviction to re-obtain the discipline.
There are some things that will be helpful howeverIt is time for an new copy of Letters to A Young PoetReading one of my literary hero’sDig out and play with drafts and poem fragments
Though I need to try and be careful not to make the entries anything but what my fingers determine needs typed and must forget that there is a potential audience, I still think that for ease the blog is the best way to do my daily writing. So, this blog will change yet again to some degree and if it is not interesting to anyone who reads it regularly, or the entires have no cohesive themes either among or within them, you have my apologies.
The Dr. at the little Urgent Care clinic apparently diagnosed me with Restrictive Airway Disease not to be confused with Restrictive Lung Disease (IPF) which is a death sentence. None-the-less it underscores my needs to quit smoking and get back into a good cardio routine, I had a serious bout with this the last time I spent a month out of the gym.
Of course, airways with restricted and spasming bronchial airways did little slow Kim and I down this weekend, I don’t know how many times we fucked, but it was many and magnificent. Sometimes it left me wheezing and panting pretty hard, but it was worth it! We also got some amount accomplished on packing up and preparing for our move and spent some time both alone relaxing and with some friends of hers by a backyard fire. What is great about her friends is that many of them are in recovery also and we can be sober and swap stories.
Speaking of which, if I haven’t mentioned it, I am a friend of Bill’s, or at least I was. I ran into a couple of issues that forced my decision not to continue going:
- I just plum didn’t like the AA as I was finding it here. Not as warm, welcoming or sincere as the people in Durham. I wasn’t under the impression any of them were actually working the program.
- The defects, this entire bit confuses me and troubles me. For starters, I don’t remember that much of my life. For another thing, I don’t share the common persons morality and things they see as moral character defects, I do not. Lust and sexuality are a big no-no for the christian God, who would see all humans stripped of their sexuality. Not so for my gods. Also, with exception to any of my family and friends that my addiction brought pain, that my distance and coldness caused stress, I do feel I need to make amends and remove the active addiction and flaws that caused that. However, for the most part, if I have deliberately committed offenses against someone, violence, theft, cruelty, I held at the time and still hold that they had it coming. I do believe that sometimes violence and cruelty are the answer, the just thing and my fundamental right.
- Even with my fundamentally different morality, I knew that I was misbehaving last year and the early part of this year. I had a romantic and sexual relationship with a married mother of two and did my best to lure her away from her husband. I am not sure I am sorry for this, but I was very much aware on some level that it was wrong enough that I couldn’t reconcile it with the tenets of the steps in AA, not if I intended to continue the affair. I suppose amends to her husband would be in order, if the revelation wouldn’t cause more damage than could be amended.
Today, I am done misbehaving (in accordance with my own morality) and I have been thinking that, with a deserving partner and two young boys in my life, there would be great benefit to becoming the best me that I can possibly be right? So, in spite of the continued presence of the first two issues I have with AA; it seems that making a return to the fold might be a good idea. So, I am putting serious consideration into starting to look around and finding decent meetings I can go to and digging back into the books and the steps. I wouldn’t have the same amount of time to dedicate to it as before, in terms of physically interacting with meetings and members, but that is alright. Perhaps I could get Kim to engage in some of it with me.
Well, my sick weazing ass must be getting back to work.