Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘Bronchitis

love in the time of Restricted Airway Disease

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The Dr. at the little Urgent Care clinic apparently diagnosed me with Restrictive Airway Disease not to be confused with Restrictive Lung Disease (IPF) which is a death sentence. None-the-less it underscores my needs to quit smoking and get back into a good cardio routine, I had a serious bout with this the last time I spent a month out of the gym.

Of course, airways with restricted and spasming bronchial airways did little slow Kim and I down this weekend, I don’t know how many times we fucked, but it was many and magnificent. Sometimes it left me wheezing and panting pretty hard, but it was worth it!  We also got some amount accomplished on packing up and preparing for our move and spent some time both alone relaxing and with some friends of hers by a backyard fire. What is great about her friends is that many of them are in recovery also and we can be sober and swap stories.

Speaking of which, if I haven’t mentioned it, I am a friend of Bill’s, or at least I was. I ran into a couple of issues that forced my decision not to continue going:

  1. I just plum didn’t like the AA as I was finding it here. Not as warm, welcoming or sincere as the people in Durham.  I wasn’t under the impression any of them were actually working the program.
  2. The defects, this entire bit confuses me and troubles me. For starters, I don’t remember that much of my life. For another thing, I don’t share the common persons morality and things they see as moral character defects, I do not. Lust and sexuality are a big no-no for the christian God, who would see all humans stripped of their sexuality. Not so for my gods. Also, with exception to any of my family and friends that my addiction brought pain, that my distance and coldness caused stress, I do feel I need to make amends and remove the active addiction and flaws that caused that. However, for the most part, if I have deliberately committed offenses against someone, violence, theft, cruelty, I held at the time and still hold that they had it coming. I do believe that sometimes violence and cruelty are the answer, the just thing and my fundamental right.
  3. Even with my fundamentally different morality, I knew that I was misbehaving last year and the early part of this year. I had a romantic and sexual relationship with a married mother of two and did my best to lure her away from her husband.  I am not sure I am sorry for this, but I was very much aware on some level that it was wrong enough that I couldn’t reconcile it with the tenets of the steps in AA, not if I intended to continue the affair. I suppose amends to her husband would be in order, if the revelation wouldn’t cause more damage than could be amended.

Today, I am done misbehaving (in accordance with my own morality) and I have been thinking that, with a deserving partner and two young boys in my life, there would be great benefit to becoming the best me that I can possibly be right? So, in spite of the continued presence of the first two issues I have with AA; it seems that making a return to the fold might be a good idea.  So, I am putting serious consideration into starting to look around and finding decent meetings I can go to and digging back into the books and the steps. I wouldn’t have the same amount of time to dedicate to it as before, in terms of physically interacting with meetings and members, but that is alright. Perhaps I could get Kim to engage in some of it with me.

Well, my sick weazing ass must be getting back to work.

Written by jamesjanus

June 21, 2010 at 4:50 pm

sometimes, just to remind you he is still out there

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the Impending Doom makes a couple quick passes at your life. By and by things are fine, a little stressful but we are getting the house we want, signed the boys up for a great summer program that should benefit them in an untold number of ways, I have Kim and the boys and I am busy and feeling useful at work.  But, there are things, this week I have been:

  • Crazy Sick with a horrid case of chronic bronchitis, complete with bronchial spasms which has cost a ton of money we didn’t need to be spending right now
  • In one auto accident that was my fault (don’t cough and drive) and accelerated the need to have my car looked at and repaired
  • Had to run all over Troy, Livonia and places in between
  • Gotten very little sleep and still not accomplished the bulk of what needs done

And then, there was yesterday. I called about the summer program for the boys and found out there was a mandatory orientation coming in the evening and it would be our last chance. The plan had been to get to the clinic for my lungs and go do laundry or pack. Instead I made my way over to Troy to meet up with Kim and go to the orientation. On my way, on the freeway not far from my exit something fun happened.

I was cooking along at 70 in the right lane, a couple hundred yards ahead of me was a white work van, attached to it was one of those small trailers that you can haul a car or boat or something on. On each side of the trailer, covering the otherwise exposed tires are two car tire sized, heavy fenders. I watched as the van hit a bump and one of them tore off, at first I thought the entire wheel had come off.  With myself traveling at 70 and I suppose the heavy metal fender hurtling toward me, bouncing and jumping off the concrete, time froze and I watched considering the trajectory which was going to have it slamming into my windshield, directly in front of my face. A single thought, my usual singular thought in these moments was “Oh, this is a stupid way to go out“.

I was on the phone with Kim and when time unfroze, I yelped out something, looked to my left, there was a car next to me, so I veered left as far as I could, hit the brakes and braced for impact. The fortunate maneuvering left the fender striking the upper right corner of my hood, then glancing on the windshield, leaving a nice spider crack, but me still breathing and my car still operating. The van drove on like nothing happened and I just resigned myself to heading to Kim’s work.

We made our way to B&G orientation and that went fine, very good and encouraging in fact. We followed up with dinner where we talked about how wonderful it was that everything was falling into place.  After that it was off to the clinic, I will skip the stupid details there but suffice to say it was under staffed, busy and we were there two hours. Another hour wasted at the pharmacy left us near home at close to midnight, Kim was in her car directly in front of me and suddenly driving uncharacteristically slow, then Hazard lights.  Fuck, all I could do was laugh about it for a while, then I got very frustrated and angry with the universe, her car was dead, either from lack of oil or from the oil turning to sludge. We left her car there, but I am certain I didn’t sleep until 2 or later last night; anger and brief outburst and (wonderful) sex came first.

So, we were up and out the door early this morning so I could drop her off at her companies Troy office, got her there, headed to work in Livonia myself and was about half way there when she called and asked if could come back and get her. This is where the story starts to get incredulous, some fucking belligerent knuckle-head made threats against the office she works at! What the F. I have to admit Doom, even for you this getting creative. So, it is turning around and heading back to get her, wondering the whole time if I will get there before this maniac. I did and who knows if he is actual going there at all, but none-the-less I wasn’t gonna leave her there to find out.

Finally, I got to work, she went to her companies nearby office. I am exhausted, sickly and have been trucking from arrival until I paused to write this. What a damn week~

Written by jamesjanus

June 18, 2010 at 3:27 pm