Reports from the Bunker

the only complete man in the industry

Posts Tagged ‘depression

I am not okay

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While, I am sure it is obvious to Kim, it seems subtle to me. I am trying to be strong, trying to dislodge the giant ball of shitty, soul eating emotion that is stuck inside me, I am trying to be there for my family, my Mom, my sponsee, for Kim and the boys; I try to go through the motions and appear okay, but I am NOT OKAY! Prayer and meetings aren’t helping at all and the only person that I believe could help, Kim, feels so far away. My fault or hers, our mutual, I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I want more than anything to know the words to say, to have some expression that will help her understand and help me to make the ball of shitty emotion explode and bleed out of me in river of tears and screams, but they aren’t there and Kim has grown so resentful of my distance and the adverse side affect of my not being like my true self, that when I started to to open up, when for a brief moment the words were there and I felt the ball moving, she jumped on me about NOT Sharing and I shut right back down.

I wish it wasn’t this way, I wish it was changing, that when it gets too big, when I get scared, I didn’t shut down and turn into something less than I am, than I want to be, but it hasn’t changed yet and I doubt it will, which is one of many reasons why on a long enough time-line, everyone who is too close to me gets weary of me and today, though I should be grateful and yada-yada, I am not, I hate being me, I hate it and I am so fucking tired, I just want to lay down and give up.

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Written by jamesjanus

September 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Really Struggling with Social Stuff

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Recently, interacting with other people has become so laborious, anxiety inducing and frankly depressing. I just don’t feel like talking to and interacting with most people, not even my friends, outside of my wife and kids in fact, I am starting to dread and loathe having to interact with people. I simply have no desire to have conversations or listen to people or really be around them. Even at my meetings, I tend to sit or stand apart and alone before and after and not talk much and at work I started timing my breaks so that I go smoke alone instead of with anyone else.

This is an old problem, I hate it and I do not really understand where it is coming from.  It makes it difficult to want to go anywhere, the gym or work or gatherings. Work is the worst, not just because of the inherent social nature of offices, but because I ride into work and back home with another co-worker and I hate the entire idea of the car ride, feeling obligated to make conversation when I am really not into it. I hope this passes soon. I will pray on it and continue my step work with the hope that that will help it pass.

Written by jamesjanus

June 13, 2012 at 5:52 pm