Fear, Selfishness, Ego

This is me. I am going to speak to my sponsor this weekend because I frustrated. Each of these things seems to feed the other and when I slip into one, it wakes and feeds the others. I have not been going to enough meetings, and that is part of what is happening with me, that said, I also made a conscious choice at work to stop being so humble as it seemed to be hurting me professionally. The problem is, there doesn’t seem to be a dial on my ego it is more like a big switch, either on or off and at full speed. I have made great strides in promoting my ability and intellect at work, but I am also growing increasingly judgemental of people and being authoritative, curt and condescending, even snapping at people and much in the way that Hunter Thompson describes an Ether binge, I find myself watching it happening, knowing I am behaving in a way that is no longer comfortable or in any way okay to myself and yet I seem powerless to stop it.

I have a new fourth step to start and I am going to need, more meetings, prayer and meditation. I think I might have to return to practicing continual humility and accept the potential consequences to my work life, because every time I act like a jerk, I feel like a jerk and it brings up guilt, shame, resentment and runs ragged over my self image.

Someday’s real sobriety is harder than others.