Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘hope

More rough work drafting

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I would stand in the pure light, bare and arms outstretched

touched by and touching many, flesh and flesh and joyous flesh

but longing, aching, drawing always back, flesh, heart and soul to you

your illuminating touch, and sweet breathe of love is the wind 

upon which I will thread the eye of the needle and be carried off 

into the light pure light of heaven, to wander eternal with you

hand in hand without fear, worry or pain; dancing, laughing with my angel

having been turned upon the lathe of heaven, but perfected by you

My one thought, brightest light, beautiful sky; home of my soul. 

 

Faith – the Word and the women will save me and drag me out of my darkness

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Written by jamesjanus

March 22, 2013 at 6:19 pm

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Teeth Mother 3 – Early, Early Draft

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Mother, whisper on the wind that blows between my ears

Blinded by my darkness, stumbling frantic, here I am again

knowing you must be near, but losing faith and less sure

with each moment that I cannot feel you, lashing out

I am not myself the moment I feel that you have left me

Mother, touch your hand to my chest, rest your head there

let me feel your warmth washing away the pain and fear

Whisper sweetly to me until I find the light, hope and peace

Free me to be happy and useful again and in that light

guide me to be all that you would have of me, I am ill 

and slow of mind and your signs must be loud and bright

lest I am lost and imprisoned by my own darkness again 

I am a fool and a mongrel 

but a prophet, husband, lover and father 

all the same

Mother, where are you? Touch me, whisper wisdom and courage

fill up my empty mind with truth and joy and hope, enough to share

 

 

Written by jamesjanus

March 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

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“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable” AA – Step One

To keep it simple, this had to be the step and it is the right words to use, but to me, like many other alcoholics, there is a good deal more that is brought to mind and rings true.  I am powerless over alcohol and many, many other things, like Depression, Anger, Resentment, Self Will, Laziness, Excess, Fear. The list goes on and on like that.

Though I have not had drink in close to 3 and a half years, I have no more power over alcohol today than I did when I was drinking and it takes more strength that I have on my own to keep from picking up the next drink. It takes more strength and wisdom than I possess on my own to keep doing the right things and to have the right attitude; to be myself and the best self that I can be.

I forgot all of this and even once I remembered it took so long for me re-commit to the program of recovery that I entered three years ago. That said, here I am once again and I am grateful that it has been there waiting for me, that I have AA and a higher power.

I am starting over, right here at Step One and as my form of meditation, I am going to write my way through each of the steps, as I started to once before and I hope that this time I make it through all of them before I choose to start over.

So, is Step One really?

Step One is really the admission of our own humanity, the first of many humbling steps in AA.  When we contemplate and work on Step One, we come to examine the human and self efforts that we have put forth in the past and acknowledge a few things:

1. Alcoholism is a disease, it is an “allergy”. Alcoholics process alcohol differently than other people and it simultaneously does more cellular damage in us and produces a powerful and urgent need for more. It is also a disease of the mind, producing obsessive thinking, so that even when the physical craving is not present the obsessive craving is. The disease also has effects that a broad reaching; inebriation as an avoidant coping mechanism is psychologically and spiritually unhealthy and all manner of moral/character defects spring from it, stunted mental and emotional growth, anxiety, mania, self absorption, grandiosity, guilt, shame, self loathing, depression, sexual misconduct, poor hygiene, poor life and relationship skills, control, self seeking…the list goes on an on. This is how, ultimately, it makes life unmanageable.

2. We are powerless over this disease and ultimately over the defects of character that have resulted from it. We can never, drink like normal people do.  If you have been in the program a while, you might see that we are powerless over almost everything. Nothing is truly in our control, except, our decision to put the right effort into our own selves.  This is not to say that we are weak, by any means, we are talking about recovery from an otherwise incurable, physical, psychological and spiritual disease.  Could I go the rest of my life and not pick up a drink, maybe. I am firm in my belief though that I would likely still suffer the miserable side effects of the disease without a spiritual and task driven program like this one. If anyone has found something better, I encourage them to do that instead.

3. Our “running the show” has left our lives a wreck, whether it is the very tangible consequences of not unpaid bills, criminal charges and failed health, or simply strained and ruined relationships, we have not only poured ourselves a pool of terrible hell and misery to bath in, but we have splashed it upon others.

If we are alcoholics and it has taken the usual amount of time for us to find our way to AA (without court orders), we are typically ready to listen, understand and admit, having tried everything else, controlled drinking, switching brands, types and times, following systems of rules, abstinence on our own, therapy, rehab, etc..etc..that we are powerless over alcohol.

For me, right now, the second part is bigger…My life had become and remains unmanageable, why? Because for the last year and a half, the manager of  my life has really been poorly qualified and wholly inept, we cannot fire him, but he does need demoted. That manager is me, I have been trying run the show, which keeps me too busy to work the steps and leads me to do nothing but give myself the opportunity to make poor choices, which invariably I make.

My name is James, I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. This has been my first step (take two). Thank you for sharing it with me. I look forward to sharing my journey through the steps, as well as my experience, strength and hope with the world.

Written by jamesjanus

January 10, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Don’t let go, don’t give up

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Whatever you do, do not let them make you lose hope or faith, do not let go of your newfound humanity and decency. Be good, not evil. She needs and deserves that from you and so do you. Let go of the anger and resentmet..swallow it or spit it out..but do not let it crowd your heart or mind.

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Written by jamesjanus

October 28, 2010 at 6:51 pm

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