Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘joy

Teeth Mother 3 – Early, Early Draft

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Mother, whisper on the wind that blows between my ears

Blinded by my darkness, stumbling frantic, here I am again

knowing you must be near, but losing faith and less sure

with each moment that I cannot feel you, lashing out

I am not myself the moment I feel that you have left me

Mother, touch your hand to my chest, rest your head there

let me feel your warmth washing away the pain and fear

Whisper sweetly to me until I find the light, hope and peace

Free me to be happy and useful again and in that light

guide me to be all that you would have of me, I am ill 

and slow of mind and your signs must be loud and bright

lest I am lost and imprisoned by my own darkness again 

I am a fool and a mongrel 

but a prophet, husband, lover and father 

all the same

Mother, where are you? Touch me, whisper wisdom and courage

fill up my empty mind with truth and joy and hope, enough to share

 

 

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Written by jamesjanus

March 21, 2013 at 5:35 pm

When you are weird

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you look for someone whose weirdness matches your own. Kim tries to pretend that in comparison to me she is bland and boring, but she is goofy and sexy and smart and has her own wonderful oddities, like a wild phobia like aversion to certain types of foam material.

We are opposites in many ways, she doesn’t like my music and most the television and books that I love etc..She does not fit what you would expect from most of the persona’s that I have worn through my life, the tough anti-social guy or the academic minded intellectual, or any of it and that is precious, in part because those were just masks. She is human, heartfelt, genuine and she is smart, but not stuck in some academic box. She saw that in reality, somewhere inside of me, I was these things too.  I like that she is different and we are not always in agreement, that she challenges me and helps broaden my horizons and I think I do the same for her, at least I hope so.  What makes her my Mo Anam Cara? My soulmate and best friend?  I don’t really know how to communicate that, there is something there, some connection and something familiar deep inside her that from the start felt like coming home, like finding that thing my heart has been searching for forever.

I am not good at life, at daily living and it will be some time before I am, yet she is patient with me and is there for me and I don’t feel judged or resented. She is hard pressed to admit it, but she is mystical like me too, her ring, which we just finally got after almost two years is entirely symbolic. With two sets of Sapphire’s representing the boys and a diamond representing us. It made her so happy to finally have it and that makes me very pleased.

Kim's Wedding Ring

The ring it took me two years to get her

I don’t know how much of it comes across in this blog, but I can be strange, odd and have some proclivities when it comes to sex and really life in general that could be seen as difficult to accommodate and accept, but it is no problem for my wife, my love and so any time I can do anything to express my joy at being with her and my gratitude for all that she is, all that she does and all that she puts up with I am happy to do it!

Written by jamesjanus

June 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Dunno

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I do not even know where to start, what to say, the last week has been so eventful and exhausting both emotionally and physically. I know that I am tired and perhaps a little down today; I hate my job right now and it makes it hard to get up for and into on time. Kim’s father is in rought shape and came home recently from the hospital to enter in home hospice care. We have been supporting her mother and spending as much time as we can over there, to the neglect of many things at home that need done, which is fine and as it must and should be really. That said, the state of the house and my basic inability to do anything about it on my own is stressing me out, this is a huge flaw of mine and it is starting back at me everyday. I feel it is so unfair to require her direction and efforts in order to get through all but the most rudementary of domestic tasks, but I find myself unable to work out what must be done or how to go about doing it.

Kim’s discovery of some archive of old images from whatever the fuck I have been calling her, led to some discussion and her and I reading through too an old archive of IM’s with V, which if I am being honest made me nervous, but had a very wonderful effect for me. When we were done reading, I lay there and was just washed with this tsunami of feeling and a very present understanding of something. A year ago, I was happy, or thought I was happy and it was a brand new feeling. I think it is safe and accurate to say I was happier than I ever had been, but to my wonderful realization last night, this emotion has very definate degree’s of intensity and depth. So, sure while I was having my affair with whatsherface and fooling around or flirting with other women, I suppose I was happy, but there was too a certain misery to it, a lonliness and a tugging at my self worth and self esteem (being the other man etc..) and I was forced to read it, to remember it last night. As we lay there talking and I thought about 09 (which now seems so far away as to have been a lifetime) vs. this past year this tsunami hit me and it was joy, it was a happiness that came from really understanding not only that I happy, truly happy with Kim, but just how MUCH happier I am than I was a year ago, which in itself was an improvement over any preceeding.

Given the challenges that life has thrown at us recently and my newfound loathing for my job, it was this beautiful moment of reprieve to just lay there with her feeling the happiness and joy she puts in my heart and for no particular reason other than it is there to be felt. Of all of the good and bad of this week, that moment wins.

In other news, Halloween approaching, got the boys their costumes, next up apple picken and pumpkins, I was wonderful to see them try them on; we need more work and stuff for the Farmer, but he is still stoked. The Senator is super excited about being red ninja with twin swords. Who knew, in troubled times people’s joy used to bother me, watching the kids get excited though is yet another wonderful reprieve. Kim and I will dress up too, thinking I might be the grim reaper and her a witch, we will take them tricks or treating then to some friends of ours who are REALLY big fans of the holiday, should be shit tons of fun. I hope Kim and the boys both have a lot of fun that night, lord knows they deserve it.

Written by jamesjanus

October 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm