Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘Kim

More rough work drafting

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I would stand in the pure light, bare and arms outstretched

touched by and touching many, flesh and flesh and joyous flesh

but longing, aching, drawing always back, flesh, heart and soul to you

your illuminating touch, and sweet breathe of love is the wind 

upon which I will thread the eye of the needle and be carried off 

into the light pure light of heaven, to wander eternal with you

hand in hand without fear, worry or pain; dancing, laughing with my angel

having been turned upon the lathe of heaven, but perfected by you

My one thought, brightest light, beautiful sky; home of my soul. 

 

Faith – the Word and the women will save me and drag me out of my darkness

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Written by jamesjanus

March 22, 2013 at 6:19 pm

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I am not okay

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While, I am sure it is obvious to Kim, it seems subtle to me. I am trying to be strong, trying to dislodge the giant ball of shitty, soul eating emotion that is stuck inside me, I am trying to be there for my family, my Mom, my sponsee, for Kim and the boys; I try to go through the motions and appear okay, but I am NOT OKAY! Prayer and meetings aren’t helping at all and the only person that I believe could help, Kim, feels so far away. My fault or hers, our mutual, I don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I want more than anything to know the words to say, to have some expression that will help her understand and help me to make the ball of shitty emotion explode and bleed out of me in river of tears and screams, but they aren’t there and Kim has grown so resentful of my distance and the adverse side affect of my not being like my true self, that when I started to to open up, when for a brief moment the words were there and I felt the ball moving, she jumped on me about NOT Sharing and I shut right back down.

I wish it wasn’t this way, I wish it was changing, that when it gets too big, when I get scared, I didn’t shut down and turn into something less than I am, than I want to be, but it hasn’t changed yet and I doubt it will, which is one of many reasons why on a long enough time-line, everyone who is too close to me gets weary of me and today, though I should be grateful and yada-yada, I am not, I hate being me, I hate it and I am so fucking tired, I just want to lay down and give up.

Written by jamesjanus

September 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Nuff Said

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When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you’re not here, I can’t go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”
― Rumi

Written by jamesjanus

August 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

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Cursing work

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and the days when it is crazy busy for both of us. Proud of her and all that she manages to accomplish at a high volume, high pressure job..but I really miss my wife today and in spite of it being my 4 year anniversary and a day that should be celebrated.; All I want to do right now is have her hold me while I cry and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I miss her so much.

I suspect my grief and the way I have been off lately is all about my mother. Seeing the nephew that caused me so much trouble with his betrayals this morning probably didn’t help either. I felt spiritually sick because I had no forgiveness in my heart for him. I wanted to leap up and beat him bloody. I don’t like feeling that way anymore, but I am not ready or able to let it go.

Written by jamesjanus

July 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm

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Thank you god

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For my life, the boys and the lovely, wonderful wife that I have. I am blessed and grateful. Nothing more to say for now.

Written by jamesjanus

June 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

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DRAFT – Everyday with You

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Talks of nothing, but wind from the lips
filling the sails of our day
just to say “I love and miss you”
when life is dull and routine

up too late together, bonfire dancing
languid bodies, couch and digital flickering
your eyes upon me, face in my hands
across the dark of night

Simple stories and tales of adventure
still to come or long long past
whisper remember when
i wish we could

Fast, boxed, home cooked food
no veggies, butter noodles
the children that wont go to bed

Right here, up north, canoe trips no water
lounge and lay and talk and talk
cheap hotels and sexy squealing
aches, burns, hardly walking

Like, the fresh morning dew
the moon wax and waning
the sun always rising
we are everyday, but mystic and exciting

Written by jamesjanus

May 24, 2012 at 7:53 pm

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Home

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I have worn so many faces
Been called by so many names
So long and hard my journey
Searching for myself among
The rubble and the road
And
I have taken shelter in the
In the hearts and flesh of
Lovely muses as I’ve gone
Lonely on my journey
I knew they weren’t forever
So i traveled on
Falling to my knees upon
Frozen roads and desert floors
I wandered into temples
Begging gods to give me a home
Then one day I found her
Sleeping in my arms
I told her I’m a monster
She shook head and just said no
She peered right through my armor
Her heart is not a hotel
Her heart is not a temple or a throne
Her heart is where I live now
I am finally home
I found myself where she was pointing
Somewhere locked inside my soul
Mo Anam Cara
Our journey is just beginning
We can carry in together
Our hearts connected we are always home.

I love you woman…thank you and thank the divine and beautiful for you and your golden heart..my castle..my home.

Written by jamesjanus

May 23, 2012 at 4:30 pm

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