Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘Love

For future reference and a little fun bio of embarassing moments

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my younger stepson:

Shit his pants at school, removed his underwear and threw it in the trash

Was playing hide and seek with his dad and got his nuts clipped by a mouse-trap that was hidden behind a chair

While nursing a tummy injury, fell once and busted his ass on the stairs, then later that same night, feeling better ran across the floor, slipped, fell and landed on his ass again

Watched a show about blood hounds, decided to pretend to be one, stuck his ass in the air and dragged his face all over his grandma’s carpet, giving himself horrible rug burn and left his face all scabbed up two days before school photos.

He is hilarious sometimes

Written by jamesjanus

October 12, 2012 at 2:50 pm

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Yesterday was a bad day but today

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Today, I will be myself

I will trust god and his plan for me

I will let go of fear, anxiety and stress

Today I will husband, father and son

I will be kind, I ask god to help me be 

of maximum service to everyone 

and I will keep focused on doing the next right thing

Today, I am love, I am laughter, I am living

 

Written by jamesjanus

August 10, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Nuff Said

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When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you’re not here, I can’t go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”
― Rumi

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August 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

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Cursing work

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and the days when it is crazy busy for both of us. Proud of her and all that she manages to accomplish at a high volume, high pressure job..but I really miss my wife today and in spite of it being my 4 year anniversary and a day that should be celebrated.; All I want to do right now is have her hold me while I cry and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I miss her so much.

I suspect my grief and the way I have been off lately is all about my mother. Seeing the nephew that caused me so much trouble with his betrayals this morning probably didn’t help either. I felt spiritually sick because I had no forgiveness in my heart for him. I wanted to leap up and beat him bloody. I don’t like feeling that way anymore, but I am not ready or able to let it go.

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July 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm

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When you are weird

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you look for someone whose weirdness matches your own. Kim tries to pretend that in comparison to me she is bland and boring, but she is goofy and sexy and smart and has her own wonderful oddities, like a wild phobia like aversion to certain types of foam material.

We are opposites in many ways, she doesn’t like my music and most the television and books that I love etc..She does not fit what you would expect from most of the persona’s that I have worn through my life, the tough anti-social guy or the academic minded intellectual, or any of it and that is precious, in part because those were just masks. She is human, heartfelt, genuine and she is smart, but not stuck in some academic box. She saw that in reality, somewhere inside of me, I was these things too.  I like that she is different and we are not always in agreement, that she challenges me and helps broaden my horizons and I think I do the same for her, at least I hope so.  What makes her my Mo Anam Cara? My soulmate and best friend?  I don’t really know how to communicate that, there is something there, some connection and something familiar deep inside her that from the start felt like coming home, like finding that thing my heart has been searching for forever.

I am not good at life, at daily living and it will be some time before I am, yet she is patient with me and is there for me and I don’t feel judged or resented. She is hard pressed to admit it, but she is mystical like me too, her ring, which we just finally got after almost two years is entirely symbolic. With two sets of Sapphire’s representing the boys and a diamond representing us. It made her so happy to finally have it and that makes me very pleased.

Kim's Wedding Ring

The ring it took me two years to get her

I don’t know how much of it comes across in this blog, but I can be strange, odd and have some proclivities when it comes to sex and really life in general that could be seen as difficult to accommodate and accept, but it is no problem for my wife, my love and so any time I can do anything to express my joy at being with her and my gratitude for all that she is, all that she does and all that she puts up with I am happy to do it!

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June 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm

My mother

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has been in the hospital for a week, she went in because she had been feeling weak and on Sunday last week she laid down, she stayed in bed until Thursday and didn’t eat or drink much. She has always been very able and independent, so no one checked on her and didn’t think much of it when she didn’t return calls. It was quickly determined that she had a large tumor in her colon and maybe something in her Liver. She has cancer. Yesterday, it was determined that it has in fact spread to her liver where it is ‘inoperable”  She is 77 years old and some of the opinions so far are bleak. The truth is that the biopsies are not back yet and we have not heard from the Oncologist (Cancer Dr.).  So, we wait.

The emotion of it all seems lodged deep inside of me and apparently, no ready to deal with it yet, I am yet to get it out. I can say a few things from a perspective of gratitude however, I am grateful that, unlike in the past, I am present and capable of being there for my Mom, for my oldest sister, whom along with myself have taken the bulk of the load in dealing with this. I am dealing with it properly at this point, feeling it, but not reacting like an alcoholic and just doing my best to be helpful and be there for my family.  My sister said today “I know I can rely on you (and Kim) and you will be there”.  This is new. That I have taken time off work and have been doting on my mother and making it to the hospital often, all of it new and I am so filled with gratitude to God(s) and AA and my wife, which is another story.

My, wife, my Mo Anam Cara, my sun, my moon and the stars in my sky. Kim has been there for me and my mother and sister every step of the way, staying home, leaving work early and when she is at the hospital, doing what she can to keep us all engaged and look after Mom. Alone, at home, she is supportive and attentive and loving. This is hard for her too, she has just really started getting close to my mother, she sees it hurting me and it also opens relatively fresh wounds about the loss of her own father.

Facing the potential loss of my mother to Cancer is hard, it brings into laser focus the reality of our mortality and I look at myself and around me, wondering “when”, when does it happen to the rest of us. Also, those things I am grateful for are another source of pain. I want lots more time with her, I am just beginning to be a real human being, to be a decent son and I want her to get to see more of that, to be a part of it.

The summary lesson here I suppose is, whenever I start taking people and relationships for granted, I need to remember that our existence here is fragile and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because you might run the clock out long before you think.

Written by jamesjanus

June 21, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I have missed you everyday for six years Roy

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and the nambi comes for us

not never for you anymore

having bitten for the final time

and you never to awaken

sleep beyond it and us

no more jones or dose

no hangover or headache

nor heartache or heartbreak

no more honesty and healing

you shot a whole right through

them all, with a bullet that

travels on and with ricochet

and wounds for all of us

left standing in the muck

no more laughter and love

no more confession or sex

nor arguement or cry for help

no more vision or cosmic feeling

we are without you now and now

more than ever the world seems

unkind and the streets uneven

as we don yet another black veil

to say ‘you cannot understand’

no more ancient wisdom and worry

no more world saving or beauty

nor power of love or forgiving

no more dreams or planning

you shot your whole through

these too, you see, it was not

all for you, but it was all with

you and in your absense it has already

begun the process of withering

no more cosmic muffin and doom

no more nut blessing or prayer

nor roy the goat, or the man

no more cosmic predisposition

what to say but that you failed

and in saying that; it follows

we failed too. Love and beauty

let us down or we did them, but

our journey ending with your gun

Written by jamesjanus

June 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm