Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘Mo Anam Cara

Nuff Said

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When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you’re not here, I can’t go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”
― Rumi

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Written by jamesjanus

August 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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When you are weird

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you look for someone whose weirdness matches your own. Kim tries to pretend that in comparison to me she is bland and boring, but she is goofy and sexy and smart and has her own wonderful oddities, like a wild phobia like aversion to certain types of foam material.

We are opposites in many ways, she doesn’t like my music and most the television and books that I love etc..She does not fit what you would expect from most of the persona’s that I have worn through my life, the tough anti-social guy or the academic minded intellectual, or any of it and that is precious, in part because those were just masks. She is human, heartfelt, genuine and she is smart, but not stuck in some academic box. She saw that in reality, somewhere inside of me, I was these things too.  I like that she is different and we are not always in agreement, that she challenges me and helps broaden my horizons and I think I do the same for her, at least I hope so.  What makes her my Mo Anam Cara? My soulmate and best friend?  I don’t really know how to communicate that, there is something there, some connection and something familiar deep inside her that from the start felt like coming home, like finding that thing my heart has been searching for forever.

I am not good at life, at daily living and it will be some time before I am, yet she is patient with me and is there for me and I don’t feel judged or resented. She is hard pressed to admit it, but she is mystical like me too, her ring, which we just finally got after almost two years is entirely symbolic. With two sets of Sapphire’s representing the boys and a diamond representing us. It made her so happy to finally have it and that makes me very pleased.

Kim's Wedding Ring

The ring it took me two years to get her

I don’t know how much of it comes across in this blog, but I can be strange, odd and have some proclivities when it comes to sex and really life in general that could be seen as difficult to accommodate and accept, but it is no problem for my wife, my love and so any time I can do anything to express my joy at being with her and my gratitude for all that she is, all that she does and all that she puts up with I am happy to do it!

Written by jamesjanus

June 27, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Recovery Reboot – Step Two & Three

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“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” Step Two

I affirmed in step one, that I am an alcoholic, that I am powerless over not only alcohol, but the defects of character that result from it. In step two they are asking me to believe that God, or some power greater than myself can restore me to sanity.  I want to believe that, because I am in trouble. Kim and I have managed to make a bit of a mess of our relationship, and I own a good deal of that. I have pushed everyone else away and made as many bad choices as I could. Our finances are good and fucked, my health and happiness are greatly diminished and everyone around me suffers.

My part in Kim and I’s troubles is big and last night I frightened her by being aggressive, yelling and pounding on my chest, it hurts very deeply that she wonders if I may start to abuse her, I feel like that is unfair. But then is it? If I am not myself, perhaps she wonders who I am?

For going on a year, almost every time I get her to open up to me, I then punish her for it by judging or pushing or in some way trying to fight or fix rather than listen and it is because I am angry with her, but too afraid to talk about it and too weak and I know I am not mad for any logical reason, that my reasons are unfair and I don’t know how accurate some of the things I think are, because I am not sane.  And that is the reality, that I am not sane right now. Not that I am dangerous or out of control, I am not, but I am not well, I am not truly sober and that drives me to make poor choices, to resent, to lose paitence, to behave in ways that are not my real character.

The tragedy is, she felt safe with me before, safer she said than she ever has and I cherished that so much and that the disease and defects are not on top of me 24/7 and there are times when I am truly present, but by the time I am, I have made her withdraw from me.

I wish there was a way to include her more in this process, to have her understand what the disease does and how it is completely impossible for me to overcome it, on my own.  I am not weak, just not strong enough to overcome this. Once, a few years ago, I gave myself over  to a god of my understanding, a simple program and a fellowship and it transformed me from a miserable, hopeless, irresponsible and selfish waste, into the man that Kim met and fell in love with, into I believe my sane, happy self. I want more than anything to be that and I am willing to go to any lengths to get it.  I

Kim and the boys have become the most precious thing I have ever had in my life and ironically, the last few days it has been that fact that has kept me wrestling with handing myself and my will over. The disease keeps telling me that if I am not running the show it will just stop. I have to have faith in god, the program and in Kim. Like it is hard for her to feel safe with and place trust in me, it will be hard to place faith in her, but I must. I have to to trust god and I have to trust her.  Restoring her trust in me, will take time and I have to be patient.

I believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity and I believe that if I let it and I work the program, my life and the live’s of everyone around me will get better on their own without my “help”.  I don’t want to help anymore. I want to enjoy, inspire, support, hold and be with my love and my family.

Step Three

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we see him

I knelt down last night, beside a sleeping Kim and I said the the third step prayer. I didn’t mean it yet, but today I do. Today, right now, I am pleading with God to take me, guide me, relieve me of the pain, the misery and the impulse to run things. Fill me with strength and humility, more than anything humility and the willingness to do the right things, to listen more than I talk and keep letting go. Help me to be the best husband and father I can be. Help Kim too, help her back to herself and to find the forgiveness and love in her heart for me, help us come back together and be beautiful again, help us to be that safe harbor for each other again.  Relieve me of anxiety, fear, guilt and shame and help me to just live, love and laugh.

I have made the decision to turn my will and my life over to you, higher power, god of my understanding. Help me to keep making that choice, each moment, of each day.

Kim, I know you will read this, you are my sheltering sky, my beautiful, wonderful wife, my Mo Anam Cara.  I am sorry for faltering, for disappearing and for not taking the right action sooner. I am putting everything in god’s hands and I trust that everything will be okay, this will pass and we will be beautiful again.

Written by jamesjanus

January 11, 2012 at 6:08 pm