Posts Tagged ‘Sex’
There is so much I could be doing at work today, tried praying for concentration and motivation, but that isn’t helping today. I have Friday-itis and Spring/Summer Twitterpation, every image that flashes through my mind is sexual and I am dreaming of beautiful muses, thinking about my sexy wife and wishing we were somewhere laying naked together, doing terrible naughty things. If I linger on the thought of sex, my whole body starts tingling and I can’t sit still. Like Iggy Pop says “I need some weird sin, to relax with” 🙂 Or as the wife says “I wanna fuck stuff!” 😀 Wish Kim wasn’t too busy at work to text and play with me, would be fun to at least banter about it.
Talk dirty to me, for fun if you dare!
There are certain subjects, certain statements that I have always shyed away from, even in my writing because they seem or could seem shallow and I have endeavored to avoid the appearance of being a shallow person. That said, I am forced by the thrill and the thought of this weekend to unleash a little on at least one of those topics, to riff, to write to speak my heart and since it is indeed in my heart I feel that perhaps to call my thoughts shallow is to judge too harshly. There I go, defending myself already and I haven’t even put it out there yet.
The women I have been with throughout my life have all been attractive, at least to me and I would dare say that objectively and to the rest of the world this was true. That said, in spite of however they may have been when they are alone with me or how attractive they were, I have grown accustom to being with the woman who is dressed down for the occassion or dressed rather conservatively, largely due to insecurity or since I have a preference for woman with curves, because they felt it more appropriate for their body type. If other people were drawn to them it was because of their actions or their personality and had little to do with their apparent sexuality or with impeccible elegance or distinctly sexy manner of their attire. I have always wondered when in public, what it is like to be that guy, the one with the date that everyone is looking at and no where more than costume parties. My ex-wife was downright frumpy when it came to costuming, though typically fun there was seldom sexiness or elegance in her outfits.
I have known with Kim for sometime that she can wear the hell out of elegant clothing, business casual clothing takes suits her well and she selects it well and when she wears her business outfits, her height and beauty elevate the outfit itself to some other level that both more sexy and elegant than the “genre” makes it sound. It was one such outfit that made my attraction to her undeniable.
This weekend, she wore a fairly short skirted Red Riding Hood outfit to a costume party (I of course was the Big Bad Wolf) and holy, fucking shit, those long, long gorgeous legs sticking out from under that skirt, further accentuated by the hot black high heels, along with the rather open and revealing top, she was stunning and from the store to the party, wherever we went she was a hit with the gentlemen. I was that guy at the costume party with the tall, gorgeous blonde in the sexy outfit.
What is it like to be that guy with the incredibly hot blonde in the sexy outfit? I am not a shallow person and it isn’t that I wasn’t proud to be with my ex wife, her personality on the right night could make her the life of the party and as I said, she was attractive. It isn’t a reason to be with or not be with someone. That said, it was a thrill that I am still feeling. I always think Kim is sexy and it catches me at moments that sometimes she might find bewildering (wild hair and sleepy eyes in the morning etc..), but that night, every time I saw her it stirred something in me, I was struck with a cartoon hammer on the head and it focused my every thought on how fucking sexy she was and I am not referring just to her long delicious legs sticking out of her skirt, or her lucious ass, but her face, her hair, her eyes..the outfit and the mood just made all of it come racing to your attention. She was the best looking woman there, for sure. I couldn’t then and cannot now stop thinking about how gorgerous she looked. It was thrilling to see the attention she got, compliments from the women, the men openly staring at her, complimenting her and even pawing at her. I couldn’t wait to get her home and bend her over in that costume, I HAD to have her as soon as I could.
On top of that, beyond looking so sexy, she was, as she typically is, fun! Drinking and dancing with the ladies and flirting with the boys and being sexy and sweet with me. I know that it must seem shallow but, it was all a great gift to me and while certainly not the biggest reason by a long shot it is all part of the reason she is the woman I love with all of my heart. So, without shame or apology let me say: I AM WITH A CRAZY SEXY, HOT ASSED, LONG LEGGED, TALL, BEAUTIFUL BLONDE and it makes my heart pound and sets my chest on fire to think about.
I think before I can embrace step two, I need to take stock of what it is that I believe. It is hard to express this in any sort of concise set of words. I started as a Catholic but as an intellect, artist and truth seeker I wandered the worlds religions, great and small alike. Some I tried to embrace, all of them, I studied throughly. After christianity, Bhuddism and Taoism came the closest to capturing and holding onto me. What truth did I discover on this journey of spiritual sampling? I came to believe that no one religion has the proper name or accurate picture of God, as wise people tell me often, whatever force created or manages the universe is far too great for us to truly comprehend in any expressible way. So then, faith, real religious experience is a feeling, an experience of sense so awesome and unique as to be inexpressible. All the bibles, sutras and sermons in the world have failed to express it. I would argue, some are designed to bring us the experience rather than describe it, to profit devotion which can beget faith. The one book that seems to have the facts right is the Tao Te Ching, which tells us that the moment you try to express the divine you have lost it.
In that vein, I am left to ponder how to give a name to a higher power or how to place my faith in something that has no name. I am not sure at this time if I am for any organized religion giving a name to God, though I consider returning to the Catholic church. I do not believe that any one of the world religions is right, but I am not convinced it makes them entirely wrong. For me, where I feel closest to faith, to the divine is during this simple act, in writing, poetry in particular and in acts of sex, touching another beautiful body, another soul.
The writing bit, I suppose makes me believe in the muses, in the seemingly magical power of words, even if they fail to capture the true essence of the divine they can be beautiful and moving just the same, and they are the vehicle by which all human knowledge, understanding and tradition are carried forward in time. Reading the words of poets like Rumi, I can almost smell the mixed air of salt and sand in the old muslim world. The stench of piss and absinthe in Rimbaud’s Paris and it stirs an indescribable feeling of being connected into some continuum. Perhaps this faith in words, in beauty and simple divinity is misplaced and has not served me well. If so, perhaps I should seek out a more traditional god figure. I don’t know, perhaps I am the one that has not served it well enough. I know that I will, because I must, ponder it from now until a resolution reveals itself. I think I need some resolution before I can pass beyond this (second) and the next step.
the Impending Doom makes a couple quick passes at your life. By and by things are fine, a little stressful but we are getting the house we want, signed the boys up for a great summer program that should benefit them in an untold number of ways, I have Kim and the boys and I am busy and feeling useful at work. But, there are things, this week I have been:
- Crazy Sick with a horrid case of chronic bronchitis, complete with bronchial spasms which has cost a ton of money we didn’t need to be spending right now
- In one auto accident that was my fault (don’t cough and drive) and accelerated the need to have my car looked at and repaired
- Had to run all over Troy, Livonia and places in between
- Gotten very little sleep and still not accomplished the bulk of what needs done
And then, there was yesterday. I called about the summer program for the boys and found out there was a mandatory orientation coming in the evening and it would be our last chance. The plan had been to get to the clinic for my lungs and go do laundry or pack. Instead I made my way over to Troy to meet up with Kim and go to the orientation. On my way, on the freeway not far from my exit something fun happened.
I was cooking along at 70 in the right lane, a couple hundred yards ahead of me was a white work van, attached to it was one of those small trailers that you can haul a car or boat or something on. On each side of the trailer, covering the otherwise exposed tires are two car tire sized, heavy fenders. I watched as the van hit a bump and one of them tore off, at first I thought the entire wheel had come off. With myself traveling at 70 and I suppose the heavy metal fender hurtling toward me, bouncing and jumping off the concrete, time froze and I watched considering the trajectory which was going to have it slamming into my windshield, directly in front of my face. A single thought, my usual singular thought in these moments was “Oh, this is a stupid way to go out“.
I was on the phone with Kim and when time unfroze, I yelped out something, looked to my left, there was a car next to me, so I veered left as far as I could, hit the brakes and braced for impact. The fortunate maneuvering left the fender striking the upper right corner of my hood, then glancing on the windshield, leaving a nice spider crack, but me still breathing and my car still operating. The van drove on like nothing happened and I just resigned myself to heading to Kim’s work.
We made our way to B&G orientation and that went fine, very good and encouraging in fact. We followed up with dinner where we talked about how wonderful it was that everything was falling into place. After that it was off to the clinic, I will skip the stupid details there but suffice to say it was under staffed, busy and we were there two hours. Another hour wasted at the pharmacy left us near home at close to midnight, Kim was in her car directly in front of me and suddenly driving uncharacteristically slow, then Hazard lights. Fuck, all I could do was laugh about it for a while, then I got very frustrated and angry with the universe, her car was dead, either from lack of oil or from the oil turning to sludge. We left her car there, but I am certain I didn’t sleep until 2 or later last night; anger and brief outburst and (wonderful) sex came first.
So, we were up and out the door early this morning so I could drop her off at her companies Troy office, got her there, headed to work in Livonia myself and was about half way there when she called and asked if could come back and get her. This is where the story starts to get incredulous, some fucking belligerent knuckle-head made threats against the office she works at! What the F. I have to admit Doom, even for you this getting creative. So, it is turning around and heading back to get her, wondering the whole time if I will get there before this maniac. I did and who knows if he is actual going there at all, but none-the-less I wasn’t gonna leave her there to find out.
Finally, I got to work, she went to her companies nearby office. I am exhausted, sickly and have been trucking from arrival until I paused to write this. What a damn week~