Reports from the Bunker

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Posts Tagged ‘sobriety

Cursing work

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and the days when it is crazy busy for both of us. Proud of her and all that she manages to accomplish at a high volume, high pressure job..but I really miss my wife today and in spite of it being my 4 year anniversary and a day that should be celebrated.; All I want to do right now is have her hold me while I cry and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I miss her so much.

I suspect my grief and the way I have been off lately is all about my mother. Seeing the nephew that caused me so much trouble with his betrayals this morning probably didn’t help either. I felt spiritually sick because I had no forgiveness in my heart for him. I wanted to leap up and beat him bloody. I don’t like feeling that way anymore, but I am not ready or able to let it go.

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Written by jamesjanus

July 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm

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Fear, Selfishness, Ego

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This is me. I am going to speak to my sponsor this weekend because I frustrated. Each of these things seems to feed the other and when I slip into one, it wakes and feeds the others. I have not been going to enough meetings, and that is part of what is happening with me, that said, I also made a conscious choice at work to stop being so humble as it seemed to be hurting me professionally. The problem is, there doesn’t seem to be a dial on my ego it is more like a big switch, either on or off and at full speed. I have made great strides in promoting my ability and intellect at work, but I am also growing increasingly judgemental of people and being authoritative, curt and condescending, even snapping at people and much in the way that Hunter Thompson describes an Ether binge, I find myself watching it happening, knowing I am behaving in a way that is no longer comfortable or in any way okay to myself and yet I seem powerless to stop it.

I have a new fourth step to start and I am going to need, more meetings, prayer and meditation. I think I might have to return to practicing continual humility and accept the potential consequences to my work life, because every time I act like a jerk, I feel like a jerk and it brings up guilt, shame, resentment and runs ragged over my self image.

Someday’s real sobriety is harder than others.

Written by jamesjanus

July 20, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Choosing yourself

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your sobriety, your sanity over someone else is hard, and even when it is the right thing, for me it never feels like it.

Written by jamesjanus

January 30, 2012 at 9:58 pm